Category Archives: The Lucky Mom

I Withdraw my Consent…

Words carry amazing power. They inspire us. They move us. They motivate us. They challenge us. We commit them to memory and carry them with us.

Today’s guest post from Mary at Transitioning Mom is a reflection on her favorite quote. I hope you find in these words the same power Mary did.

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Eleanor Roosevelt. Source: girlmogul.com


 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”   — Eleanor Roosevelt

I withdraw my consent…

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t use the words of someone else to lift me up. Positive quotations are posted in my bathroom, living room, school room, and kitchen, decorating the rooms in which I spend the most time. (As a middle-aged woman, you’ll notice I started with the bathroom.) So, when The Lucky Mom asked me to write about a quote that inspires me, I went to my favorite.

Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She was a wise woman whose words helped form the woman I am. I don’t remember the first time I saw this quote. It was likely in high school, a time of great emotional turmoil. I remember I felt empowered. A little. However, it would take years for me to truly internalize her message.

Like many, I’ve struggled with the voices of doubt and insecurity that hide in the corners of my mind. They creep from the darkness at unexpected times. Usually when I’m tired, over-stretched, or just feeling a bit funky. In the past, I gave them far more power than they deserved, and in doing so, left the door wide open for others to place their limitations on me. Regardless of my success, there was a part of me that often felt inferior to others. When snide, hurtful or sarcastic comments were made, I believed them. In turn, I gave myself permission to blame others when I was unhappy. However, I was the only one standing in the way of my happiness, not others. Conscious or not, I made a choice each time I allowed someone to make me feel inferior.  I took baby-steps of change in my 20’s and giant leaps in my 30’s.

Becoming a mother changes most of us; we are pushed to re-examine all we have learned and internalized. And, so it was with me. When my first-born was still an infant, I stumbled upon Roosevelt’s words once again. One warm summer day, my mother-in-law shared with me all the ways I was mothering “wrong.”  By the time she had left, I was convinced I had already failed as a mother. At the end of that exhausting day, I grabbed my book of positive quotations in search of encouragement. In Roosevelt’s words, I found encouragement and much more.

Though I’d read her quote before, I internalized it that day. It helped form the foundation of my parenting, and the message I have tried to instill in my daughters. When feeling hurt, insulted or otherwise inferior, we ask, “Why am I consenting?” and through that question, we can reclaim our power and withdraw our consent.

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Read more by Mary at her blog, Transitioning Mom, or on her Facebook page.

Who’s a cutey? It seems I am!

I won! I won! (I never win anything, so this is really exciting!)

If you’re wondering what I’m going on and on about, let me tell you. I recently entered RASJacobson’s “Lessons From Teachers & Twits” Cutey Bracelet giveaway, and guess what?? I won!!

In a really strange (and fun) coincidence, I’m going to meet Renee IN REAL LIFE in just a few weeks. I’ll be showing off my bracelet, and talking her ear off about how excited I am because I never win anything. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it!

Click the link below to visit Renee’s site, so you can be all jealous of me. 🙂

Who’s a cutey?.

I can't believe I won!!

Saying Goodbye to Small, Medium, and Large

I used to have three little kids.  One was Small, one was Medium, one was Large.  Their clothing, their shoes, the servings on their plates all reflected their birth order appropriately.  We had no trouble determining whose clothes belonged to whom, which bicycle was the right size for which kid. They were spaced out by enough years that there  were clear markers of birth order by the size of everything.

You may not know this yet, we’re smaller than the average family.  Dad’s a towering 5’6”, and mom a proud 5’2”, so our offspring are destined to be of short stature.  By other people’s standards, we’re all small.  But within our home we’ve always had a distinct – albeit relative – range of sizes.

As any mom of small kids will tell you, we watch growth carefully.  We celebrate when we make it to the 5th percentile on pediatric growth charts, and then have “the talk” when we fall back off the charts.  Growth ebbs and flows in pre-pubescent boys, and small boys often go through puberty later than their taller friends, exacerbating the physical differences for a while.  But we are what we are, and in this house, we’re okay with that.

Slick was two years old when we first began monitoring his slow growth.  My pediatrician did that little formula that pediatricians do with a child’s two-year-old stats and calculated his estimated adult height.  His came out 1” taller than his older brother’s.  The doctor laughed, being a younger brother himself, and told me to expect Slick to pass The Trailblazer up in height at age 16.

Lo and behold, in the last six months, they got to be the same height.  When The Trailblazer comes home from college for visits, we have the mandatory height check to compare stature.  And it happened.  He passed his brother up.  Only by a half-inch or so, but that was enough to make it official.  The older brother is now the smaller brother.  And both are taller than mom and dad.

It’s strange.  And wonderful.  Because it means they have become men.  And they are comfortable with who they are.  (Except for The Trailblazer.  He’s a bit miffed about the taller little bro.)

Then, last week, another strange thing happened.  The Caboose needed a green t-shirt to wear to school for a Spirit Week event.  I pulled a green T out of the dryer (y’all know I hate folding laundry), and realized it was The Trailblazer’s.  But it looked about the same size as The Caboose’s.  Puzzled, I held it up to the child and, although it was a little big, he could pull it off.  So Small wore Large’s shirt to school

Small, Medium, and Large are gone.  I now have one Medium and two Larges.

Family photos will look different from now on.  When standing in order there will no longer be the familiar downward trend.  It’s strange, and wonderful.

Watching my little boys grow up into smart, compassionate young men has been the greatest reward of motherhood.  When juxtaposed against learning to ride a bike and read a book, the accomplishments big kids are far more fulfilling.  And there’s the added bonus of not having to wipe their butts or cut their food anymore.

So saying goodbye to Small, Medium, and Large isn’t bad at all.  Because Large, Large, and Medium have made me so proud.

Lovin’

Here are a few of the things I’m Lovin’ these days:

{ Source: Pinterest.com }

  • Slick getting his own car.
  • Fresh memories of The Trailblazer being home.
  • The forecast for a mild winter.
  • Pinterest.
  • Trying new recipes.
  • Cooking big, so I can send food to The Trailblazer and his roommates.
  • Helping Slick make plans for his future.
  • Listening The Caboose rehearse for an upcoming concert.
  • The freedom that comes with having older kids.
  • Finally loading music on my iPad.
  • My new laptop.
  • King Cake

Share your list!  Post it in the comments below, or drop in your link!  Can’t wait to see what you’re Lovin’!

Leave a Trail

Our short time here will someday be measured by the legacy of what we leave behind.

This post was prompted by this week’s Write On Edge inspiration:  To come up with a title and tagline that captures your life, or a moment from your life.  Short and simple.

But that’s not how I roll.  So look for the continuation of this thought… coming soon!

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

My name is Lisha.  And I have a laundry problem.

I’ve mentioned my aversion to folding laundry before in passing, but I doubt any of you understood the extent of it.

Yes, we have a sock problem.

It’s not unusual to find in my beautifully decorated master suite, several baskets of clean clothes lined up against the big dresser.  I place them there so I don’t snag a toe on the basket during the night, and to obscure them from the view of passers-by upstairs.  Because, while I’m ashamed of my little secret, I’m not yet ready to reform my ways.

The usual modus operandi for laundry goes like this:

A load of clothes gets put in the washer.

At some point  Later that day it gets put in the dryer.

Eventually When dry, the hanging clothes are properly hung upon removal from the dryer to avoid wrinkles (we actually do that), and socks, underwear, t-shirts and the like get put in a basket and brought upstairs to fold and put away.

That’s where the process breaks down.  After a couple of days of digging through the baskets for underwear and P.E. uniforms, the socks make their way to the bottom of the basket like pebbles on the river bottom.

And there they sit, until we have absolutely no socks left in our drawers, and I have no choice but to sort them.

I may need to consider a twelve-step program.

The Mistress

It’s been going on since before we were married.  It started out of peer pressure, because everyone he knew was doing it.  At first, I think it felt almost like work for him, but then it developed into real passion.

She became an official mistress about 20 years ago, when we were living in another state.  No one knew us, and there was anonymity in our small Texas town.  If he took off for a couple of hours, no one would notice, and I certainly wouldn’t ask around in public to find out where he’d been.

A couple of times over the years, I think he’s wanted to stop.  But the desire always came back.  So much so that I finally acknowledged it was part of him, and accepted it.

I got resentful when she took time away from me, but he always seemed to return a better man.  It was as though she fulfilled a physical need and a spiritual one, both things he just couldn’t find with me.

Their times ranged from quickies in the afternoon to marathons lasting almost a full day.  But even the briefest encounter could help him clear his mind and regain perspective.  Seemed like a paradox to me, but I really didn’t have a choice.  I even tried to join them a few times, but it just wasn’t right, and I retreated to give them their time.

They go all over together.  Exploring unique parts of the city, and occasionally even traveling.  I’ve learned not to try to talk him out of it once he’s got his mind set on it.

This morning when he said he was going out to spend time with her, I sighed.  I had other plans for the day.  But they’d have to wait.  He needed her.

So I gave him my blessing, and he put on his shoes, and went running.

Quiet Time — or How I Watched a Movie in my Own Living Room

I’m not sure if he thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or if Mr. Wonderful made some unshared New Year’s Resolution to pay greater attention to my ‘needs,’ but for the last few days, some freaky stuff has been happening.

Take Sunday, New Year’s Day, for example.  I found myself home alone for a little while.  Mr. Wonderful and the boys left the house for about an hour, leaving me and the dog all by ourselves.

Now, I get my fair share of alone time – after I’ve dropped a kid off at school or at a friend’s house, when I’m headed to my MIL’s to pick her up for a doctor’s appointment, and even in the grocery store.  But you may see a pattern here.  If I’m by myself, I’m usually away from home, and usually doing something for someone else.

I hardly ever put myself first.  I rarely ask others to do what I could just get up and do myself.  And I very, very seldom watch TV.

So with this gift of an hour, I cozied up in the big chair with a glass of wine and the remote.  At first it felt a little odd, scanning the channel guide, passing up all the football games, zombie shows, and Spongebob reruns.  I scroll to the channels that never get watched, and see a lovely chick-flick beginning.  Figuring I can watch the first hour or so, I settle in.

Sipping my wine in the clean, quiet house, a sense of calm sweeps over me.  I resist the urge to watch the clock, not wanting the precious time to end.

{ Source: Touchstone-Disney 1990 }

Just about the time Julia Roberts is picking out some new clothes on Rodeo drive, the guys return home.

That’s when the freaky part happened.

The boys instinctively entered the living room, intent on usurping control from me, and Mr. Wonderful stopped them.

“Your mom’s watching a movie.  Y’all go upstairs.”

Curious, I looked to see where these words came from.  And there was Mr. Wonderful looking my way.

“Really?” I replied.  “I’ll turn it off.”  It seemed almost foreign for me to be sitting down watching a movie — a chick-flick even — when they were home.

But I went with it.

I just sat there.

Watching Julia and Richard get to know one another for the one-thousandth time.

I heard the little kitchen TV turn on and the sound of NFL announcers wafting my way.  Was he testing me?

I was in the living room, with the big tv and the remote, watching Pretty Woman while he sat isolated at the kitchen table watching football.

This was uncharted territory.  I wasn’t even sure how to respond.

Was this some passive-aggressive attempt to get me to put the game on?  Did he have some dreadful news to deliver, and wanted me in a good frame of mind to do so?  Or was he simply … letting me watch tv?

I didn’t really know what to think.  So I pushed the complicated thoughts out of my head.

And watched a movie.

Christmas in Holland

There are a lot of people who find Christmas difficult.  This year I find myself becoming one of them, and I want to stop.

The Christmas Crunch is bearing down hard, and I’m trying hard not to let it steal my joy.  The events of the last few weeks could easily have done so without some pretty strong defenses.  (Luckily, my 25 years as an Army wife have taught me a few of those.)  But it’s hard.

This morning, Mr. Wonderful and I were discussing the many ‘adjustments’ to our holiday celebration we’re making this year.  I tried not to get disappointed about not having time to bake gingerbread cookies.  I put aside the fact that I didn’t send out cards this year for only the second time in twenty-six years.  I let go the fact that half of my decorations are still in their boxes, where they’ll sit for another year.  We agreed not to fry our turkeys this year, but to go with a plan that’s less labor-intensive.  We’ve trimmed Christmas to the bone, because we’re spread too thin to pull off our usual routine.

Then the phone rang.

And we were reminded that none of that’s important.

Instead of spending the day trying to catch up on all that’s behind schedule, we decided on a paradigm shift.  We decided to let ourselves off the hook, and have a different celebration than we usually do.  We did it the year after Katrina, where we scaled back out of necessity, and we did it the year Mr. Wonderful was in Iraq.  And we’ll do it again this year.

I won’t worry that my chandeliers aren’t decorated, and that my linens may not be pressed.  I won’t worry that I’m serving steamed carrots instead of my mother’s cornbread dressing.

Instead I’ll give thanks that we’re gathered together.

I’ll be happy that even though Christmas won’t go the way I envisioned it a month ago, it’ll be special.  And I’ll remind myself that if I can put my disappointment aside over things that didn’t happen I’ll be able to enjoy the things that will.  I might even find unexpected joy.

My little family has faced some unexpected challenges this year.  2011 certainly isn’t ending the way I expected it to three hundred sixty-or-so days ago.  But it’s ending well.

The last few days have reminded me of an essay circulated among parents of special needs children.  I’ve read it dozens of times as it related to my son’s academic challenges.

I’ve never really thought about it as a metaphor for Life.

But it is.

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WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley
(c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved)

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

Catharsis

I don’t like my mother-in-law.  And she doesn’t like me.  There.  I said it.

{ Source: balloonrelease.blogspot.com }

I’ve been tap-dancing around that for 26 years.  Actually longer than that, for the discord between us began before I married her son.  She disapproved of me the first time she met me, and it has never changed.  For the life of me, I don’t know why.

I’ve used every tool in my belt to rationalize the behaviors that exist between us.  “She loves her son.”  “No one would be good enough for her boy.”  “It’s not me, it’s her.”  And all this time I’ve been trying to endear myself to her, trying to fit in, trying to change things to make her love me.

For many years, I acquiesced to keep the peace.  Resistance, I thought, would widen the chasm between us.  I dressed for her approval, bought gifts, and attended social events – all to gain her endorsement.  But it never came.

All I ever wanted from her was a smidgen of love.  But with love comes acceptance, and that’s something that just wasn’t possible.

My husband has had a very tough time through all of it.  Stuck between us, not wanting to alienate her, not wanting to forsake me, he walked a tightrope for a very long time.  Shaking off the lifetime of programming that ‘mama’s always right’ has been hard on him.  And I’m sorry he had to go through it.  But it had to happen.

My blog is full of affirmations about attitude that I try to embody every day.  But applying my own wisdom to this obstacle has been the greatest personal struggle I’ve ever faced.

Putting it in perspective became necessary.  So I boiled it all down.

I’m a good wife to her son.  I’m a good mother to her grandchildren.  I’m a good caregiver to her husband.  I’m a loyal caregiver to her.  I’ve never once had an outright confrontation with her.  If that isn’t enough for her, then she doesn’t deserve me.

I am enough.

I can’t mourn the loss of something I never had, but I do lament its void.  I won’t let go of the pain, because then the lessons would be lost.  I’ll hold on to it, to let it remind me what I don’t want to become.

It’s not in my nature to air such a thing, and then not find some meaning within it.  So here’s where I will make promises to myself, and a vow to keep them.

When my sons bring home mates some day, I will not lift the lid of the pot and say, “he likes it better this way.”  I will not ask if she’d like to borrow something to wear to the party we’ll both be attending.  I won’t give gifts with instructions on the manner in which they are to be used.  I will let them live their lives, and raise their children.  I will give advice when it’s asked for.  I will maintain my own life, so I don’t have to live vicariously through theirs.

And I will not judge them by arbitrary means. Their worth will be weighed by the love they give my sons.